One step closer
There’s always been that girl [it’s how you read it]
Now, I am writing all the things here without using any sort of filter, just my raw feelings and emotions are what lie ahead. When I end writing this, there comes my shy part started to take over, making me think about things like, “ hey, just don’t upload, people don’t like reading such things and many more…” But, that’s not how this thing is gonna actually work, giving my fear space to say but, just ignoring them and working on what I actually feel is all about one step closer. And, you never know what and how might these words act as a help to someone, somewhere, so, with this I would like to say, “ HAPPY READING”
So, it’s been ages since I was who I was and I always wondered who I wanna be and how I wanted to be.
It’s been hard to actually be vulnerable to myself and be the honest version of myself. When I still think of the fact, that it’s so hard to be actually honest to my own self, then how can I be true and real and expressive to others or let’s forget about others, just your close and loved ones, the ones who actually care and no matter what will be there in whatever situation that you are in.
So, I was really wanting a break, and I was so desperate for the break that when I heard, that the classes were going to be off the coming Sunday, I packed my bag and flew home a week from actually when the holiday was about to start. I did not know why, but, after a long time, it actually felt really good. Running away is not the solution, you know, but, it was for myself, to collect myself, to understand what actually was happening to me, what I wanted and so it’s just fine.
So, for me, my home is the safest and the most awesome place when the situation asks me to just take a break or just shut myself from the world because no one I know lives in my home town, and I can do whatever I want to do. I was so happy that I can finally sleep according to the time I want, there is no need of waiting for the lights to be turned off, I can actually wake up according to the time I want, I can cook just for myself, write, meditate and have fun in my own way. It felt like, I am finally starting to be alive. And the best part of being at the home is, I don’t have to see the faces which I would love to just cross out from my world. Yeah, it felt really great.
So, I started to work on myself, now the main problem was, I always loved working on myself, improving myself, being better, but you know when I was near to achieving what I really wanted, I just either quit or just left or act as if I was and am numb and dumb. So, I started thinking and brainstorming about how I should start working on myself from the very scratch.
So, this thought let me divide the things that I want according to the categories. Like, I wanted to do something about how my hair looks [ always been a great fan of having short hair and doing something that looks different or you know, cool], and I wanted to start working out again [ since, from the very small age, I loved the concept of working out doing something to move the body and drop off some weight], then I wanted to do something about the way I think and talk to myself and many more.
So, what I did was I made an account of the Notion and created pages where I divided them into physical, mental, relationships, and academics. And I place the things I wanted to do according to the categories. Then, I prioritize the things that I wanted to actually start working on, and some of them were, making a habit of meditating and listening to the affirmations first thing in the morning, then going for walk, running or cycling, listening to the podcasts, then doing some exercises like whichever felt like to be done, eating healthy breakfast, writing three things that I am grateful for and starting my day, and start saying what actually is on my mind to the person whom I confront.
So, you know I love talking via writing, it has always been a great source of my help and I love writing, it just feels light and right. But, I made a decision that I will be writing to express myself, but, I will even try my best to talk, as well. So, slowly, yet efficiently, I started blending them into my life, there are still some people to whom I want to say a whole lot of things, and I will definitely be saying but by breaking them into chunks.
So, it’s been more than two weeks since I started following everything, and honestly, it feels great. The next thing I wanted was to enjoy my own company like those old good school and high school days. Enjoying on my own, moving around, trying dishes and you know watching the series, and anime the whole day, having a great time, journalling, reading books and many more. I really love doing everything on my own, but, there comes some days when you actually seek some human connections and company, and I used to think, it was absurd.
But, as a promise made to myself, I started acknowledging my thoughts and feelings and started working on them, too. It’s hard to acknowledge one's own feelings and when you think differently if it was your friend who would say, how would you react to it, so applying it with the same thoughts really helps out.
There are a whole lot of things to try and explore as well, there are a whole lot of topics that I am still shy about and giving my best to talk clearly about. But, as a promise made to myself that this time it’s going to be different, so, without thinking a lot, I am happy to be one step closer to knowing myself.
There are a whole lot of people who are similar in a situation like this and surfing through Pinterest, and the internet, and watching vlogs really help out to learn about them and how they bring themselves back on track. Navigating your feelings, owning what you say and write, being grateful for being there for yourself, feeling blessed, loved and cared for by your loved and close ones, and actually acknowledging them not just nodding off is what makes difference.
Everyone is different, yet how they work or how they work on themselves to make themselves feel like their own true self and obtain the results is what makes everyone special. I also fall into the category of watching others and trying to do what they do, but this is where I was wrong, it’s fine to get inspired and motivated by others, but actual inner engineering comes from reflecting on your past, finding the points and places where you were wrong, thinking, how would you act and do if you were different or actually true to yourself would make the greatest difference.
This time, I have already made up my mind on starting from the smallest things and being consistent about what I am doing till the very end when those small actions don’t become my actual way of doing things. Yes, I will fall, and I might get lost, but, I have promised myself to actually start from the point that I left off. I want to pull myself and walk with myself feeling confident and strong.
****** Note to readers******
Hello there, I hope you enjoyed reading till this point, and I am really happy to know that you gave your precious time to read the words that I have drafted above. It really means a lot to me.
I will be writing more about how I do keep myself on track, how gratitude is helping me to be happy and many more in the upcoming drafts.
If you want to keep up and stay tuned, please do follow me, and leave your comments on how you feel reading it, those will be really helpful for me to improve as well.
Have a great day ahead!
Keep working consistently on the small things, coz they really matter!!
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