I had a daydreamer friend who would love to spend hours and hours fantasizing about the qualities he wanted to have in his girlfriend. He would keep a few of us aside him and would say, “ Listen, guys, I am really waiting for the day when I will meet a girl who would look beautiful even without makeup on, who would cherish all the beautiful moments spend together, who would ask me about my whereabouts, who would ask me how my day go and who would love to go exploring out in the nature with me.” We would all nod at his thoughts, and, when we would try to give him a heads up, he wouldn't let us speak.
We all wanted to tell him, “ Noone is perfect, we must respect the differences we have and learn to walk together understanding each other’s expectations, opinions and points of view. Daydreaming is good, but obsessing with it is fatal.”
We didn’t get a chance to tell him there and waited for our time when we could tell him and share these thoughts and words.
Before we could even get a chance, he was already in a relationship. It was like a bolt from the blue. We were happy for him yet were scared, too. When we got to know his girlfriend, she was totally the opposite of what he would share with us during his daydreaming. We thought, “ It’s good to know that, it was just his daydream, he wasn’t obsessing with those thoughts.”
Time went by, and as usual, we were in our spot, where he came and sat. The charm for which he was adored was lost from his face. Before we could even ask, he broke down into tears saying, “ I broke up with her.”
He continued saying, “She wasn’t like what I had thought she would be. Once, when I told her, “ You look beautiful without makeup on.”, she suddenly stood up and said, “ Why are you insulting me?”
And the other day, when I told her let’s go for a walk, I will treat you to your favourite cup of coffee, she said, “ I am going to club with my friends, next time.” That next time, never came into my life. I waited, offered her so many things, planned so many outings, but, she denied it all.
I was hurt and sad, so today, I told her, “ Let’s break up! and to which she replied, “ Thank God, you told me this at first. I came here to tell you the exact same thing!”
After comforting him, we thought now it’s time to tell him. So we told him,
Noone is perfect, we must respect the differences we have and learn to walk together understanding each other’s expectations, opinions and points of view. Daydreaming is good, but obsessing with it is fatal.
I don’t know where he is and how is he doing right now. But, from that day till our school days were over, we saw the improvement in him. And to which we were really happy.
Relationships, whether it involves a romantic partner or friendships, it is something that cannot be forced or can be bound together with expectations. Even in friendship if we want someone to be friends with us, we cannot go and run around them wasting our whole day, time and effort. Neither we can change ourselves to be liked by them, that would be the most foolish thing one will ever commit. We must let it be as it is, if we are supposed to vibe together we will definitely vibe, if not we need to move on towards our life.
Let me share another incident with you, it took place when I was in high school. I was in a group of 5 friends, that group was certainly a group of eccentric people. Among 5 two of us were girls and the rest were boys. We had an impeccable bond. The way we 5 treated each other made people watching us feel like we were childhood friends. We 5 were totally different though, but we knew how to balance one other. If one among us were angry the rest 4 knew what that person needed. No one would have ever imagined that among the group members two of them would fall in love and would start a relationship.
Among five of us, a boy and a girl were way too opposite of each other, if one would love fire another would go for water, (at least we would go for air maybe, but not them). They would argue over opinions, points of view and at the end of the day would come to conclusion on something different. They were even so clever to hide feelings for one another. Gradually the days passed by, there was no sign or no spark, but slowly things began to be noticeable. They began showing the signs (😂) [ Imagine you being in a group and starting to notice something like this, how would you react? I was in the same place]. Everything began lining up one by one. If one would be sad, the other would give the person space to cool down and then the person would come back and apologize and even would share their feelings. Similarly, they went for walks, started to understand one another, helped out each other as much as they could. If they had some doubts, or overthinking started to creep, they would remain silent and then take the time out just to share the feelings that they are feeling.
And finally, after 5 months of these all, they announced to us that they were officially dating each other. We were really happy for them. When we would watch them working together with their things, we would say, “ Aren’t they the same old friends, who couldn't stand each other. See, how the time flies by and how an understanding relationship changes a person towards the path of betterment.”
I was amazed to see them balancing out everything and sort it out without causing a dispute.
This relationship helped me gain a new perspective. If a person wants he or she can help each other and make things work out. If a person was not serious before settling down on this relationship thing, no matter how hard they try things won’t work out.
A relationship is a term that is fun to be in but only with the right person. If it is with the wrong person, every minute will feel long enough, it will seem hard enough.
When I shared this incident with a friend of mine, I remember him saying,
“ There needs to be something each of the participating members in the relationship offering to each other, doesn’t necessarily have to be materialistic. It can be time for each other, playing games, replying to messages on time, texting about whereabouts so that the other member won’t be worrying and so on. ”
Every person you meet or talk to has something to teach you. If you are in a relationship, just think about it, too. Just imagine if your partner is away and you are worried for him or her, but, all you can do is to wait. So what your partner is helping you learn is to understand, and be patient. And what you can tell your partner for the same situation to be avoiding for the next time is, “ Please can you inform me about it beforehand so that I can stop myself from worrying?”. This helped you to have clear and effective communication as well as your partner getting a chance to know about your feeling.
All the matters at the end of the day are your perspective and the way you make yourself think.
The reason for sharing those two above two incidents with you all is for you to understand and reflect on yourself. To make or break a relationship whether it involves a romantic partner or a friendship also depends upon you. If you are holding a grudge against someone, no matter what he/she does to make you happy, you won’t be seeing the effort. If you detest someone, the same above thing goes with you.
I am not telling you to forgive everyone but at least you can try to forgive yourself and start a new journey with a bigger perspective.
Once a very dear friend of mine was explaining to me how I can understand the term “Relationship” in a wider sense, and he started saying,
Imagine, your Relationship as your body and your body is trying to fight viruses. If your body is strong enough and is strongly immune, no matter how strong the viruses are, it won’t affect your body. But, if your body is not strong enough, and you start to feed the seed of doubts about your immune, what will happen?
You better know it!
Let’s say these viruses are overthinking, overanalyzing, insecurities, etc. What will happen if you constantly feed your mind with all these thoughts, strengthening the fear inside of you. The result that you will receive will be the outcome of the seed of doubts that you planted in your mind.
[ If you want to read about how your brain functions according to different types of thoughts, and want to get insights on understanding the pattern of thinking, I have written a blog related to it, you can read by clicking the link here.]
No one can tell others rather than their partners or companion, the reason for their breakup. If we look into it from a wider perspective and generalize the reasons, we will come with the factors like:
- Lack of effective Communication
And the list goes on and on.
If we take a look at point one, we see the word “Expectations”, which I would like to term “ Fantasizing or Daydreaming”. We as humans are bound to have different sorts of feelings among which one is Expectation. Expectation according to Merriam Webster is “ Anticipation”. If we take a look at the meaning of Anticipation, it states, “ A prior action that takes into account or forestalls a later action.”
The expectation is like you starting a journey of fortune-telling without even knowing what actually does Fortune means. You are just giving false hope to yourself and making yourself feel like you master the craft.
Once my English teacher from my school quoted, “ Expectation is the greatest hope bringing the greatest disaster.”
So, if you have some sort of fantasy that you want to be fulfilled via your partner or your friends, do let them know in advance. It’s because they haven’t mastered the craft of mind-reading. So that you have a peaceful and realistic relationship.
Let’s take a look at point two. I have written a lack of “effective” communication. Everyone seems to have communication, but only a few of them have effective communication.
Let’s say, you are in a dilemma where you are feeling either insecure in your relationship or just it’s your overthinking nature overtaking your consciousness. I suggest you talk with the respective person. Because if you are having a problem with person A, and you explain it to person B, will person A will ever know about it?
The answer is a big NO. So, always make sure to convey your feelings to the right person, so that the communication will be effective.
If you start having effective communication, you will see the changes in your relationship, soon.
We are living in a society that is ruled by social media and which has given birth to a new society called comparative society. What happens in this society is, one posts about gifting their partner an 8 carat of diamond ring, and immediately after a few minutes later, we see another couple giving a luxurious yacht trip as a gift to their partner.
What happens here is when other people start scrolling, unconscious expectations and belief system start to establish and if one let it take over, then all the outcome will be disastrous.
Nowadays when people watch dramas what happen is again they start building expectations from their partner for all those sweet moments and gestures to be done to them. ( No offence, just trying to present an example. I am also a drama watcher :-) )
Yes, those sweet moments can be done, but to do that the first thing that you have to do is tell your partner, “ Will you give me some sort of surprise on my coming special [event] or [something that’s related to you]?
What I am trying to pull out here is, if you want to live in a comparative world, all that you will get is a negative result. Because you will never be happy and will never be satisfied and it will lead to anxiety, frustration and the worst-case Breakup.
So preserve some realisticness within yourself so that you won’t be losing a rare gem that you have by your side.
Neither I am an expert nor are you in this field. We all either learn from the incidents that we become a part of, or we learn it via books and other people’s stories.
Make sure to have your own set of principles and values which you abide by to present yourself. Just for winning someone over, don’t forget yourself. Just because someone rejected you, don’t let it break you, improve yourself and be better. Just because someone didn’t want to be your friend doesn’t mean you are unworthy. They are just following their set of rules and principles, make sure you follow yours.
Thank you for your time and effort in reading this blog. I truly appreciate and convey my gratefulness to you.
I tried my best to write this so that I could help you provide insights on this topic. Whatever I have mentioned above is the things that I learnt by being a part of the incident as well as learning and reading more on and about it.
If any part made you feel bad or sad, I truly express my sincere apology. I didn’t mean to offend you.
I hope you enjoyed reading it, please feel free to share your feedback via comment and your support via FOLLOW and CLAPS.
There are tons of books written on and about understanding relationships. My favourite one is “ Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus by John Gray. ”
You can give it a try reading it.
And if you have any favourites, make sure to comment so that I can enjoy reading them!
Have a nice time ahead.
Keep Fighting! Keep shining! Keep Improving!